You hold the Ace.
For the last 20 years, I have trained thousands of people. My training has been narrowly focused on protection. Protection from violence and how to use violence. In that number of students there are police officers, FBI Special Agents, FBI support personnel, spouses of FBI personnel, US military members and those special few who want to be Protectors.
It has been an honor and privilege to train them.
Of those thousands of people, I often ask: “Why are you pursuing a career in protection?” Some are not sure. Some think protection is a good transition from the military or law enforcement. Some have no idea. But some know immediately when I ask the question. It is usually something from childhood that runs deep in their soul.
They have no other choice – this is their calling.
Many grew up in a very difficult environment. They saw terrible things and suffered all manner of pain. Pain of abandonment, neglect, abuse, assault, and intimidation. Many choose law enforcement, the military, or protection as a way to make things right.
One of the attributes of a good officer, agent, soldier, or protector is that they show up. When it is time to work, they show up. When it is time to go and deliver violence, they show up. When it is time to protect, they show up.
Those who show up, those who are present, they are rewarded professionally. Not with money but with something far more important – the respect of their peers who also show up. For far too many, they show up because they know the pain of those who did not show up for them.
Many years ago, I was speaking to a group on Active Shooter and the presenter after me was talking about ACE scores. I learned that it stands for Adverse Childhood Experience score (ACEs) and there is a test you can take to see how adverse your childhood was. A high score can lead to a bunch of negative outcomes: cancer, jail, alcoholism, depression, suicide, and early death just to name a few.
Of the thousands of students and colleagues I mentioned earlier - many have high ACE scores. This is not a death sentence. There are things they can do to reverse the effects of an adverse childhood.
The first step is to take the test (link). If it is low, call your parents or parent and thank them! If it is high, consider talking to a trusted friend or better yet - get therapy. Therapy will help explain some of the behavior that has always been hard to control or understand.
Many people with high ACE scores have a difficult time being a spouse or a parent as they did not have proper modeling. They want to be a good spouse and parent but just don’t know how. Unfortunately, many will throw themselves further into their work while neglecting their marriage and family. Why? Because work is the known and family is the unknown. People always go to what they know.
If this is speaking to you - BREAK the cycle!
The best way to break the cycle is to do the one thing that got you the respect and fulfillment in the job – show up. Just be present. The spouse wants a partner, and the children want a parent. They don’t care if you have it all together or have all the answers. They just want you to show up and be present. So, when you are home, show up and be present. When you are at your son’s game, show up and be present. When you are watching your daughter’s recital, show up and be present. When you take your spouse on a date, show up and be present. Put the phone away and be there for them – period.
This is the ACE – play it
